Baby, It's Really, Really, Really Cold Outside

It's colder than cold. The only reason I'm not really whining as much as I'd like is the sun is high. It's actually a beautiful day. It's just COLD. And it's not getting any warmer any time soon.

So, I'd said I'd write more. While, granted I have written more than last year, I still haven't written much. I've been journaling a little more, but I'm not writing as much as I think I want to. I say "think I want to" because I'd be writing more if I really wanted to, wouldn't I? Would I just whine that I want to write and not write if I really wanted to write. Or wouldn't I just write?

Here's my example. I took a great trip in December. I took some notes. Had a blast. Intended to write a big year end letter. I haven't written a sentence. I haven't even thought about it. I'm just really not on the ball any more.

Why is that? Is it because I'm older than dirt now? Is it because I just don't care any more? Is it because I've been beaten down by life? While all those are true on different days, I think the real answer is that I'm lazy.

Yep. I am one lazy girl. I just can't seem to get moving for any reason. I like to lie about an do as little as possible. Unfortunately, I haven't found anyone to pay me for that skill just yet. Hmmm.

New Beginnings

I emailed an old friend yesterday because she'd been on my mind for a couple of days. While I didn't stop and take the time to call, I just couldn't stop thinking about her. Turns out that yesterday was her first day as a divorced woman. A new beginning to begin the new year.

I decided to begin a new year myself. This morning I wiped out all painful numbers from my past. For some reason, I'd held on to all these contacts in my phone that I no longer used or needed. I'd kept them there to remind me of what I'd lost, and nearly every time I saw one of them, I'd get angry or I'd feel hurt. I decided today to let that go. I decided that it's time for a new beginning.

Funny thing is that I feel lighter now. I'm not carrying that old baggage with me. I've let go of the reminder to feel pain. It's a great feeling to begin to move on. I guess a new year is the best time for that.

My other new beginning is getting into some sort of shape. I had a very unpleasant surprise when I stepped on the scales yesterday morning. I have to get serious about some weight loss. I've moved into the overweight category that I'd danced on the line of for so long. I'd noticed that my pants were a little tighter, but I'd managed to delude myself. Yesterday, however, I couldn't pretend any longer. So . . . . that meant walking this morning and exercising last night. It also means no more candy - at least for awhile and very limited alcohol. I can tell already that I am not going to like this very much, but if I get results, then I guess that's what matters.

Happy New Year

Give me a break . . . I'm only 4 days late with the greeting. How did a new year arrive? Didn't 2010 just begin? I can't believe that 2011 is here, but I'm so glad it is. I'm ready for something bright, shiny, and new.

For the past 2 - actually 3 - years, it's been struggle after struggle for me. I am really hopeful that the days of struggling are a bit behind me for awhile. I know better that to think I'm behind my dark nights of the soul, but I'd like a few bright nights for awhile. How about for a year or so? Please?

Happy Solstice!

It's the darkest day of the year. In the north, we'll see fewer hours of sun today than another day this year. It's a great day to light some candles and reflect on the past year and you face the coming year.

Cold & Bright

It's one cold day! At least the sun is shining. A shining sun pretty much always does it for me. I have friends who enjoy gray days, but I'll never be one of those people. I love the sun.

I wish I had a very clever story to share or something remotely interesting, but I really don't. I think think of a thing to write about. Perhaps that means I shouldn't write today, but then again, I am trying to get on track with writing. I want to do it every day. (Don't snicker.) I want to do it; I just don't usually sit down and do it. Perhaps, I'll turn a new leaf in 2011. There's always hope.

Another Day

It's been 30 years since John Lennon was murdered outside his home in NYC. Thirty years. Time flies. It can't have been that long. Ironically, I remember the day Elvis died with more clarity, but then Elvis was more important to me and my family. Elvis was almost one of the family. He seemed like a far distant cousin that I knew about but didn't know. Lennon was different.

What strikes me today is not only how long he's been dead, but also how long he lived. He was 40 years old when he died. Most of us at 40 still expect to have quite a bit of life ahead of us. At 40, most of us think that we've lots of years left, but Lennon didn't. In fact, just days before he died he made comment of how we idolize the dead, and we do. It's always been interesting to me how the dead become saints or heroes when as living humans, we could barely stand them. It's funny how we remember people and things. An author once said something like, "There's the truth, and then there's the truth we remember."

Yesterday also marked the 69th anniversary of the bombing at Pearl Harbor. I dare say most if not all of the 2000+ casualties thought they had plenty of time to do the things they wanted to do, but time runs out for us all - just as it did for Elizabeth Edwards this week. I loved her last post to Facebook. While we all realize that our days are numbered, most of us don't live as if we realize that. As I begin to think of all those resolutions I'll be making in a few weeks - many of which I'll never keep - I'm also going to be thinking about those things I want to accomplish. I think high on my list will be choosing my attitude. Lately, I have been finding myself feeling sorry for myself when the real people is that I'm too busy thinking about what I don't have to appreciate the many things that I do have.

Happy December!

So much for more blogging. I just can't seem to manage. I suspect that it has something to do with being content. When I'm happy, I don't journal as much. I don't blog. I also forget to pray and meditate. When I sad, however, I tend to become more reflective and go back to those things that help me along. I'm not saying I'm sad at the moment, but I've noticed this tendency lately and want to work to correct it. I want to write at other times as well. Here goes.

I'd like to talk about a grand adventure or something new and exciting, but nothing much comes to mind. That's sort of funny since I have a new job and just got back from a family reunion. This reunion was pretty great. I loved seeing family I hadn't seen in a long time. It was a wonderful time.

The job is good, too. I like where I work and most of the people I work with. I'm still struggling with my past, but I know it will all work out. Instead my current goal is to find a way to live in the moment. I want to stop thinking about the past or living for the future. I want to enjoy where I am right now. In this moment.